I'm Assuming You All Have High Speed Internet and Would Never Download Something Illegally

I am entranced by CBS's INXS: Rockstar. This show is everything American Idol is not. I guess it still has some cheesy "reality TV" staples, like audience voting and dopey hosts (Brook Burke and Dave Navarro). And the weeping and gnashing of teeth as if someone actually died or at least was mauled by a bear on the dramatic night when somebody gets booted off. But otherwise, this show pretty much kicks ass.

I am probably the ideal demographic for this program. I am a child of the 80s, who loved INXS and drooled over the persona that was Michael Hutchence. Granted, I had some squeaky clean cutesy perception of him at the time instead of understanding the drug-addled, thrill-seeking, crazy he was becoming. But, damn the man could sing and look damn fine doing it! So, I'll just continue to refuse to confront the asphyxiation sexual deviant issues. I mean, what makes hanging yourself while achieving orgasm deviant? But I digress.

I loved INXS and Hutchence. So, naturally I was appalled when I heard the premise of this show. How lame. Publicly auditioning a new lead singer for INXS? Pul-leeze. I'd sooner pour gasoline in my ears than hear the travesty of fame-whores doing INXS covers on national TV.

But it's summer. And there is nothing interesting on TV. (Except HBO! Holy Cows! Did you seen Six Feet Under this week? I cried my eyes out! Damn You Alan Ball!) So, I watched INXS: Rockstar for a lark the first time three weeks ago. And while there are a few singers who are clearly not going to win the competition and it is simply a matter of time until they are voted off by the band, there are three of four contestants who really rock. These are not American Idol chicky babe wannabees. These are genuine professional singers who know how to command a stage. And they are singing real rock and roll classics, not second string, cheap-to-buy-the-rights-to one hit wonders.

I have a few favorites. My money is on Mig, Marty, or Jordis. They show the greatest depth of talent, flair, passion, control, artistry, and charisma. That being said, JD has a shot at it, but damn, he bugs! I know they control the editing and all, but he has to have pissed off somebody to get edited that way.

The performances on this show are so good sometimes, that I actually have to go look for them online, so I can hear them again. Last week, Jordis sang The Man Who Sold The World (Bowie) and raised all the hair on my arms and the back of my neck. It was That Good. Go to Limewire and look for it. Search for Jordis. (Her rendition of Ain't No Sunshine is worth a listen as well.) But her rendition of The Man Who Sold The World has been stuck in my head all week. In a good way.

But you know what has really been stuck in my head all week? This commercial jingle. I seriously about fall over laughing every time this commercial comes on the TV. I especially love the shot that swoops by the clothesline to reveal the fruit posing all angsty and forlornly. And of course, the final shot of "Apple" singing earnestly while looking at the camera all "I'm in frank pain over the depth of my love for this crazy tag free underwear!" Either that or he is thinking "GodDAMN I hope my Mama never sees this travesty I've made of my career!" He is so ashamed that he must look away from the unwavering eye of the camera which is clearly searing him to the depths of his Fruit of the Loom soul. I seriously love this ad campaign so much, I might have to go out and buy me some Fruit of the Loom underwear.

So, take my advice and watch yourself some INXS: Rockstar on Tuesday and Wednesday night. And please, for the love of god, go out and buy some tag free Fruit of the Loom underwear! Apple needs you!