Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Freakin' Technology, Freakin' Dora!

Whhhiiiirrrr. Grind. Grindy grind. Click, click, click. Whhiirrrr.

Great. Gabe is F-ing around with the DVDs again. Oh look, he has piled two DVDs into the Playstation. Playstation no likey. Playstation is trying desperately to make them both spin or else kick them out again, but Playstation is no match for my boy.

Who the heck decided it was a great idea to put children's entertainment on DVDs? I think those bastards purposely made kids DVDs twice as fragile as the regular kind, so that if a child, even a well mannered non-destructive child (not mine) were to touch, nay, even breathe on a DVD, it will quickly develop fatal flaws in its magic "coding" and fail to ever play properly again.

And even in their demise the dreaded DVDs torment and thwart you. Do they simply fail to load and play? Why no. They pretend to have the ability to play but stutter and freeze causing your child to come running from the other room to announce in a voice that carries through every phone line open in the tri-state area: "Dora is totally freaking out again" (as though Dora is having a seizure and you are needed to quickly stuff a wooden spoon in her mouth to keep Swiper the Fox from stealing her tongue). Thus begins the cycle of three attempts to clean the fatally wounded disc with various cleaning fluids and soft rags beginning with your shirt and the cleansing power of Mama Spit and ending with expensive resurfacing liquid and a special shammy.

After your 15 minutes intervention of Dora CPR fails to revive the afflicted DVD, the children involved in its demise either throw themselves on the floor in a dramatic display of solidarity with Dora and all her friends on the Goddamn Pirate Adventure (retitled here for emphasis) or say, "It's okay, Mama. That movie was from Blockbuster. Let's go get another one."

And if you were to just buy said movie, to save muliple trips and late fees at Blockbuster, the DVD will cost a least twice as much as the exact same movie on VHS. But, does the entertainment system in my minivan play VHS? Uh, no. So we must buy and rent DVDs.

And while I'm at it, why the hell does Dora have to repeat every single thing three to seven times? Seriously, she must ask "Where Are We Going?" about 27 times per episode. She then encourages them to participate. "Say It With Me!" And since my kids are so obedient and they love to "Play Dora" now, I get to hear that line, as well as "Swiper, No Swiping" and "We Did It!" and "What's Your Favorite Part? Mine Is......" another 47 times over the course of a single car ride. And, to add insult to injury, Dora and her friends deliver every line in a near full pitched scream. Therefore, the reenactment of each line must also be delivered in a full scream.

Imagine if you will: The map doesn't simply tell you he's the map. He screams out his single line nine times. Every episode. I'M THE MAP. I'M THE MAP. I'M THE MAP. I'M THE MAP. I'M THE MAP. I'M THE MAP. I'M THE MAP. I'M THE MAP. I'M THE MAP!! Now imagine that reenacted for you another 16 times over the course of a day. Tedious, no? Are you half way to insanity yet? Are the childless among you lining up birth control as we speak?

So, curses on Dora and her unique brand of torment and invaluable toddler crack cocaine effect. Although, in her defense, the children have learned to count to five as well as how to say "jump" and "open" in Spanish. Unfortunately, the next Spanish phrase they are likely to learn is "Tell Dora and her goddamn Map to shut the hell up."


hubby said...'re really really funny!! love you!!

Kris said...

Yeah, I'm totally annoyed. And just think, in a few years when it's time for my kids to be enthralled in something whilst I take care of biznass, there'll be a new Dora-esque figure that will make your Dora look like a calm little butterfly in comparison.

Are you dreaming Dora yet?

Anna Banana said...

I must admit that singing "WHERE ARE WE GOING" while attempting to coax the children into putting on shoes, shorts... (any clothing actually!)is invaluable while attempting a trip to the park.

I figure, use it to my advantage!

However, I'm only 2 weeks into this, maybe I'd feel differently after 2 months!!!

Jenijen said...

Uhg. I hate Dora's little squishy guts. We have the pirate adventure, too. The only redeeming thing is when my two year old yells out 'tezzzure test!!' other than that it stinks. But, you gotta cook dinner.

I'm bookmarking you, too ;)

clickmom said...

My kids do not and never have sung, moved, or danced along to anything. My 12 year old (definately a pre-teen) decided to help the 4 year old become more involved and in his most kid-show imitating goofy enthusiastic way got the 4 year old to talk back, move and do anything Dora said. After a few days of this, the 4 year old shouted out at the beginning of a Dora episode, "Quick, get Matt, Dora's on and he loves her!"

Hahahaha, better him than me!