Monday, May 31, 2010

Buck Up Lil Camper

Goddamn, I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself! When did I become such a victim?

Here's a few things I know are true:

1. Everything that has happened to me, I have had a direct hand in creating.
2. I am weaker than I wish I was, but I am as strong as I need to be.
3. I underestimate myself daily.
4. Love is always stronger (and better for you) than fear and anger.
5. I still have "it". Maybe more actually. Grin.
6. Just 'cuz something hurts, doesn't mean it's bad.
7. Brownies don't solve anything, but that doesn't make them bad either.
8. I choose. I decide. This is how it has been all along.
9. What other people do or say: NOT about me. Frankly, prolly not even my business at all.
10.If I'm confused it is because I have forgotten to remember all the truths above.

Friday, May 28, 2010

She's Come Undone

I feel like I am slowing falling to pieces. Little bits of me that I think I need keep coming off. As each piece rips off it hurts, more and more.

The buddists say to lean into the pain, edge into and confront your fear, don't run away, don't try to hide. So, I'm just standing here. Feeling like an idiot. Feeling exposed. Feeling bereft and alone and raw and hurty. I'm shivering and burning up and shaking to pieces. Waiting for it to stop. Waiting to hit rock bottom. Hoping to stop feeling for the bottom and to start to fly.

How far does a person have to break down, fall down, before they can start to climb again?

I can stand in the doorway of an airplane and throw myself out, because I know I will fly. I know the joy of life, of being alive, is right in front of me. I know my fear and angst is temporary. I know it will end just as soon as I jump.

But with this, I can't find the door to jump through. Where is the door, where is the portal to stop the painful moment after moment of rejection and aloneness and undoing? Find me the fucking door and I will jump through it. I'm alone in the unknown and doing my best to be brave and strong and the pieces just keep coming off.

I don't expect there to be some magical happy ending in which I never feel pain again. If I didn't regularly feel pain after all I've lost (and thrown away), then I would not be the human I am. I know there is no door to a magic land of joy and peace. But this ride has gone on and on more intensely than I bargained for. Let me off!