I just need to know a few things:
Why is it that toys designed and purchased for a sibling are always WAY better than your own age-appropriate and interest-appropriate toys?
Why is it that shoes become anti-gravity to children's feet while in the car?
Why is it that kids always have a gargantuan poop right after you put a clean diaper on them, especially if they were just bathed and put in clean clothes?
Why is it that leftovers are universally rejected, even if it was a dinner that the kid had three portions of the night before?
Why is it that the kids entertainment industry on live TV think that there are no small children watching TV after 6 pm and exclusively show teenage soap opera shows and waaaay too adult death and destruction cartoons? (Is Dora asleep already?)
Why is it that NONE of the kid's movies/DVDs are ever findable in their actual clamshells/cases? Where did my DVDs go too? I really want to know!
Why is it that the child who will stand for 3 hours in the freezing cold sprinkler is reduced to a whimpering puddle of phlegm when forced to cleanse his filthy body in the nice temperate shower?
Why is it that children can hear the subtle sound of Mama sitting down on the sofa to watch just one Tivo'd show and must run into the room demanding attention, love, and hours of ongoing inane conversation?
Why is it that kids only drink two sips water at 3:00 am after begging for a drink of water for 20 minutes and sending you out servant-like to fetch it for them?
Why is it that the sound a child whining for something is egregiously more piercing and disturbing than the sound of screaming, crying, or even fingernails on chalkboard?
Why is it that the child who most needs a nap, resists it the most?
Why is it that a child can hear the siren call of a freezer door opening in the vicinity of a popsicle and come running, yet cannot hear you call his own name within two feet of his head ten times in a row?
Why is it that a child will get out of his very own bed to sit at the top of the stairs and call down to you that his sister has (gasp!) gotten out of her bed and then expect you to only chastise his errant sister?
Why is Mama's purse and Mama's change and Mama's Burt's Bees Lip Balm always preferable to a child's very own Hello Kitty Purse stuffed with Polly Pockets and old lip balm.
Why is it that even a 6 month old will scoff at your attempts to pass off an old defunct remote control as a reasonable exchange for the real remote control? (The buttons push the same baby girl!)
Why is it that the child who was "just a dream" for the babysitter all afternoon becomes a whirling dervish that screetches in a tone which exactly matches a mid-sized pterodactyl the moment her Mama returns home with her loving embrace?
Why is the most grotesquely annoying song on a child's kiddie music CD always the one they just looove the most and want to hear 97 times in a row?
Why is it that kids insist that they love to play with the huge bin of legos, but all they ever do is empty all 1097 teeny tiny foot twisting pieces on the floor, push three of them together, and then become distracted by the baby's teething ring and never come back to play. Ever. And then feign knowledge of removal of said 1097 pieces from storage and insist that helping you put them away "hurts their head"?
Why is it that kids would prefer (strategically) to spend their allotted 5 minutes in time-out to helping their hard working mother put all 1097 tiny pieces of legos back in the storage container?
Why is it that after all this, all they need to do is smile winsomely at me and say "Mama, you are my best friend in the whole world" and I completely forgive them their complex and twisted view of how things should work and I am ready to consider having another one. (Just kidding, Honey! No more.)