Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen

A few weeks ago, my "child care provider" informed me that she would no longer be able to watch my kids past 4 pm since she changed the hours she is working her other job. I work from 2 to 7 pm, three days a week, and this change doesn't work for me at all! So, rather than track down all new child care (a daunting and terrifying task as it requires one to screen out wackos and idiots as well as vette the hours available and cost issues and find someone willing to be a bit "crunchy" in the way they deal with children).

I bring Ribh to the office with me every day. My patients play with her or else she plays on the floor or sleeps in her carseat. I nurse her when I have a little gap in my schedule and my staff slings her if she gets too fussy and I am busy adjusting. My office is a very child friendly place since about 30 to 40 percent of my patient base is comprised of children. We have a whole shelf full of toys and games and coloring books and what not. But, I still prefer to not have all the kids with me. My big kids need to have more supervision and room to run around.

Because I had no easy solution for this crisis, my mom agreed to help out for a few weeks while I figured out what to do next. She came for a week, but the rigors of dealing with my hooligans wiped her out. She has a few chronic health issues and her 50-something bones weren't up to the task. She went home sooner than expected. I tried to call in favors and scrambled together alternate child care options. A friend came out and watched them one day but I was forced to bring all three of them to the office with me another day that week.

The Scene:

Patient: Hi, Doctor Mary. I see you have helpers today. Who is this?

Me: (With a two year old wrapped around one leg) This is my daughter, Qui........

Quin: (interrupting) Aiiiiiii! Arhghhhh! MAMAMAMAMA! (Climbing) I don't like her! I don't want to be here!!! NOOOOOO!! AIIIIIIIIII!

Patient: Um. Oh.

Me: (peeling Quin's four point toddler death grip off of my sweating torso) Let me just... (Hissing) Quin, Let's go watch Dora in the other room. (To patient) I'll be right with you.

Quin: Water! I neeed water!!! Mamamamamama! Water! WATER!

Me: Look Quin, you have water right here in this room.

Quin: Nooooooo! WATER! WATER! WATER!

Gabe: Mama, Quin doesn't want that water. She poured it on the floor. See. (Pointing to spreading puddle on carpet)

Quin: I get water. I get water in closet. (Gesturing toward location of water cooler)

Me: I'll help you in just one minute, honey.

Quin: NOOOOOO!!!! AIIIIII! WAAATER! (Thrashing on floor)

Gabe: Mama, can you turn the movie louder?

Quin: (Kicking my ankles) Go home Mama! Mamamamamama, I want GO HOME! Aaiiiiiiiaiii!

Me: (Gently closing door) I'll be right back you two, hold on. (Sprinting back to patient.)

While adjusting patient the screaming subsides. Blessed peace is restored. Then a glug glug glug noise is heard.

Me: Oh no. Excuse me just one second. (Sprinting to water cooler closet)

Quin: Look mama! WATER! (Holding up overflowing cup of water)

Me: Great Quinny. No more water. Lets go back to the TV room (sipping water off top of cup to bring slosh quotient down) and watch Dora. (dragging child by one wrist)

Quin: MY WATER! NO! MY water Mama! Quinny hold it! I holdit! Iholdit! Iholdit! Oh. DORA! Look Mama! DORA!

Me: (sneaking away, soundlessly, blithely ignoring the fact that Quin is now clutching a full cup of water, thrilled because the Dora crack cocaine has taken effect)



(two similarly noisy and stressfully interrupted hours later)



Me: Kids, lets go home now. Lets clean up the crayons and markers everywhere. Ummm. Hey Gabe! What are these little pieces of blue foam on the floor in here?

Gabe: Quin was eating them.

Me: Okaaay. But what are they? Where did they come from?

Gabe: Quin bited them off that big thing there.

Me: What big thing? Oh. You mean this $60 foam cervical traction unit?

Gabe: Yeah. That big thing.

Me: Great. (thinking) Did she swallow any?

Quin: Look Mama! (pulling a soggy chunk of blue foam from her mouth) Blue!

End Scene


My sister, Banana Girl, and her daughter, Honey Babe came to relieve me shortly afterward. They have been here for a week now and my sense of well being is significantly improved. We've learned a lot. Banana Girl is now terrified to have additional children within 5 years of each other, and I have discovered how cool it is to have a wife.

Seriously, blessings to all Stay At Home Moms in the world. That is some serious job! If your husbands don't tell you how great you are every day, you need to make them come read this post and imagine what their day would look like if they brought your children to the office with them.

Just imagine the previous scene, except set at a corporate bank, or car dealership, or accounting firm. Imagine all the water coolers, and paper products, and office supplies, and ankle kicking and leaping off of chairs, and running into inappropriate offices and people. Just think of the computer cords to chew through and all the lovely chaos and destruction just one two year old could wreak in the first half hour in a professional setting. Impressive, is it not?

I also want to take this opportunity to sincerely and deeply thank my mother and Banana Girl for giving up weeks of their lives so that I can not only have top quality child care for my kids during this time of great stress, but also someone over the age of 4 to talk to when I am home. Bless you, both of you. You are the best wives a girl could ask for, EVER!