Sunday, July 17, 2005

Let's Celebrate Her Graduation! (It's Either That or Cry!)

My Peevers in no longer a lump. Technically, she is an "infant" until she is 24 months old (silly-neh?) and depending on your criteria she could still be considered a newborn. But she is nearing the 6 month mark and in the past two weeks she has officially graduated from Lumpdom to Non-Lumpdom.

Any parent to a second or third child will tell you: Enjoy the Lump Phase. This should be a cardinal rule of parenting. Stressed out new parents should be reminded of this twice a week. Lumps are great! And here's why:

1. Lumps sleep more than they are awake. (Well, most do. Sorry, Anna. Mielle is exceptional!)

Non-Lumps only take two or three naps per day (if you are lucky) and cannot be depended upon to allow you to "work on the computer" while the big kids watch Dora.

2. Lumps smell good. They cannot sweat. They only drink breastmilk, so they have no nasty gas or poo.

Non-Lumps want to eat your frozen blueberries and then will have blueberry seeds and skins in their explosive poo four hours later! Once "real" food begins, watch out for toxic waste dumps.

3. Lumps stay where you put them.

Non-Lumps require that you leap up multiple times to rescue them from sliding off sofas, rolling off beds, and other attempts to bungee jump without proper restraints. You will often leap up to race into other rooms just because you "sense" trouble which may or may not be real. You become jumpy, like an old cat in a house full of toddlers.

4. Lumps don't need toys or dolls or really any accessories when you are out and about since your boobs are already with you and a diaper fits easily in the purse.

Non-Lumps require an entire diaper bag full of toys that rattle and squeak and crinkle, and changes of diapers, and clothing for blowouts, and teething tablets for crankiness, and two different slings depending on the occasion, and snacks for you and the child, and perhaps a rolly suitcase and a sherpa because damn that car seat is getting heavy and awkward to carry around!

5. Lumps snuggle.

Non-Lumps do semi-seated gymnastics and bite your shoulder off, while simultaneously headbutting you and giggling.

6. Lumps nurse quietly and calmly with just a little intermittent gasping during "the big letdown" to keep from drowning.

Non-Lumps sing the Star Spangled Banner in farsi while standing on their heads, attached to your nipple. You will not move for fear of those teeth they are working on latching down a bit too hard at just the wrong moment. Non-Lumps will also pull on and off your breast 67 times per feeding or within 3 minutes, whichever comes first.

7. Lumps cause everyone to smile at you admiringly when you are with them.

Non-Lumps cause you to be scowled at when you bring them to class (or nice restaurants) and they insist on continuing their burbling and fussing for fun.

8. Lumps fit nicely in their car seats and slings and stay there until you remove them.

Non-Lumps squirm or attempt to squirm out of every child containment device known to mankind. Non-Lumps can escape from a non-belted car seat, squirm across the room and change the TV remote with their teeth. Non-Lumps can kick you from the backseat of the car when worked up enough.

9. Lumps don't know they have hands.

Non-Lumps can rip up magazines, coloring-books, bills and even checks. Non-Lumps can rip out hands full of sibling hair. On purpose.


But, My little Non-Lump has just to look me in the eyes and grin, or light up at the sound of my voice, or squeal with delight at the sight of her big brother, and she is instantly not only forgiven for no longer being a sweet little lump, but celebrated for being the little person she has become.


1 comment:

Banana said...

Just wait till next week when there are 2 non-lumps bumping into each other and using team work to destroy magazines!!!!
Looking forward to visiting!