BEFORE

Remember when I told you, just last week, that I would post again soon and tell you all about my crazy dietary plan, and you TOTALLY DIDN'T BELIEVE ME? Well, look who was wrong! Tra la la!

So, it began with an idea, (a reaffirmation, this is not new) that I should quit bitching and whining about how I've developed quite a fat ass and wishing that I could have brownies every day and only work out like once a week and somehow look like my 16 year old self, and I realized that I should like, I dunno, DO SOMETHING about it. And by DO SOMETHING, I mean do several things and do them on a regular basis, as in DAILY. Damn.

I'm just about two weeks into the project "How the Hell Did This Happen to My Butt" plan.

So the things I do regularly are:

1. Cardio. This is the one that I am typically the best at, so I'll list it first. The NEW ME does cardio AT LEAST four times per week and I actually make myself SWEAT for the bulk of it. I've been known to get all geared up and strap on my ipod and then casual saunter about the neighborhood with brief illusory periods of jogging (downhill) to feel like I did more just walk. But in reality, I've been a big fan of the "working out should be fun and never be uncomfortable, much less painful" club and I have heretofore rescinded my membership. Today I PURPOSELY ran three miles even though it really didn't FEEL like much fun until "Sister Christian" came on my ipod and then I ran and hurt and KICKED ASS because that song is so damn awesome. But it still took me over 35 minutes to run three miles, so...I've got quite a way to go.

2. Strength Training. This is the one where I feel like a complete dumbass because I have no idea what I am doing. I work out frequently at the Wellness Center at the school and all these buff young twenty-somethings come in and heave enormous pieces of metal around while glistening prettily and then hook themselves up to space age contraptions with names like "Nauti-glider" and "Cyber-myo-tonalator" and I am certain that if I were to experiment with any such paraphernalia I would like rip off a limb or knock myself unconscious. So, I convinced one such young buff student type to "train" me. Which generally involves my trainer explaining how to do basic activities like bend my arms properly and then stifling the urge to fall on the floor laughing at my expense when I can barely move the contraption BEFORE any weight is put on it. And I still am grunting and sweating (NOT glistening prettily) and barely escaping knocking myself out. So, I am thusly humiliated twice a week at six o'clock in the morning and then limp off to work. What a way to start the day, eh?

3. Classes. Group classes. The only thing more humiliation that having a young buff man watch me be unable to complete a sit up? Having a whole group of people watching me be unable to perform basic activities. For those of you who know me IRL, you probably remember that I am not known for my COORDINATION. For non-family members, I am the child who was sent to the emergency room at least every other year because I was always jumping on rusty nails, and breaking limbs, and falling down wells and the like. Why? Because, to put it delicately, I lack GRACE. As in NONE. But I now voluntarily go twice a week to classes which involve doing dance-like predetermined steps and exercises which reveal my plump and hearty ass in wrap-around mirrors. It is waaaay fun. There are some yoga positions which should be banned for those who weigh over 110 pounds. I'm just saying.

4. Dietary Restrictions. I know this stuff. I know what to eat and what not to eat. I know that saying yes to Starbucks every single day just because "I had a rough day" is not healthy. Especially when I am picking up that Starbucks at 6:30 in the morning on my way to work. Even with skim milk. I know that raiding the kids' bucket of Easter candy is not in my best interest. I know that chips and margaritas and all the yummy ways I prefer to treat myself are not the appropriate way to develop a healthy relationship with food. I know all this and yet...I do not have a good history in this area. So now I am convincing myself daily that FOOD IS NOT A REWARD and that I DO NOT CARE THAT MUCH ABOUT FOOD. Seriously, I say this to myself about 20 times a day. But it is working. I had three tiny pieces of Dove chocolate on Friday and that was the first time in almost two weeks. And I stopped after three pieces!!! And I drank wine instead of margaritas. (It's a small step, but hey, it's something!)

5. The Cleanse. This step will begin sometime this week once my magic potions come in the mail. I will be doing a nine day detox/liver cleanse/metabolism jump-starter-thingy which I am assured will clean every little corpuscle and crook and cranny of my innards and will allow me to experience the grossest poop this side of muconium. But much bigger. Cool, eh? You're REALLY gonna be checking back for that blog post, aren't you? Oh, and also I'll hardly eat anything and will become a waif overnight! (Right.)

I'd love to treat you all to a BEFORE picture now so that you can oooh and ahhh over the AFTER (slated for sometime late summer when I will appear on the cover of Maxim magazine), but I am just not THAT big of a glutton for humiliation. I mean, I know I am the queen of TMI in so many ways but you'll just have to imagine my zaftig proportions and settle for the airbrushed AFTER which I will release publicly. I just don't feel comfortable with the size of my backyard being spread graphically across the internets. Perhaps I'll post a photo of my flaccid and noodle-like arms and shoulders. Would that do it for you freaks out there who just really need to visualize my progress?

In reality, I'm not so huge, which is exactly what I've been telling myself for far too long to excuse my lack of motivation to do this thing. I'm about 30 pounds over my goal weight. A full 40 pounds over my hs/college weight, but I don't know if that is even realistic at this point in my life, so it not currently in the plan. I'm trying to be realistic although ambitious. I've never been really FIT, even though I was once really thin. So, now I'm gonna try something new. I'll keep you all posted. Swearsy.